Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Whatcha mean he ain't got no underwear on?

Authors note: This post = rant, unadulterated, galling anti-Hollywood hate speech. You have been warned :)

As you should know by now, I am a comic book historian and not one prone to ranting fruitlessly at the Elder Gods, Guardians of Oa, Powers that be or Hollywood asshats. I will hurl myself this week, into the whirlwind, hoisting my geek flag high. Take note that emblem on the flag a giant middle finger to just about every single scriptwriter, producer and director who has ever disgraced a beloved comic book figure (yes I am looking at you Snyder, Nolan, Whedon, Abrams et al.)

Sometimes it’s little things, like underwear. So why the fuck doesn’t the piss poor choice of Henry Cavill (Englishman extraordinaire, please go back to being King Henry’s sidekick and leave the super heroing to the pros) have on any damn underoos…outside of his Uni? Sorry that’s where they are supposed to be, I don’t care if you don’t like it Superman’s has to have ‘em, and they have to be on the outside damn it!!
                                      Like this

          Not this, I have an allergy to Super-Penis

Other times we have what are known as “shit we can’t go back and change that…can we?” moments. Sure you’ve seen The Avengers, Iron Man 1-3, Thor, The Hulk etc. You did notice that Nick Fury is (to his credit played brilliantly by) Samuel L. Jackson, right? And that he’s black right? So no problem there, unless of course you ever want to make a Nick Fury movie! Well at least not one that tells his whole story. Really does a black Nick Fury lead the Howling Commandoes all over Europe kicking the crap out of Nazis? Nope, not in the comics, and of course this would have never happened (if it were based on fact) in a segregated WW2 Army. Obviously Whedon uses the Ultimate’s Universe Nick Fury, great, awesome. Still can’t go back there now can we?

            Love you SLJ, but Nick dude, sunscreen man, that's all I'm sayin'

This is where canon and continuity come into play, oh and a shit ton of alternate universes (yea but they aren’t canon, now are they?) Now dear, dear Hollywood, I wish you could pay attention (hard, I know in your coked out ADHD world, but try, for like 25 seconds) If the guy in the comic book is purple, he should be purple on screen. If he’s Asian he should be Asian. If he has 17 nuts, don’t give us a character with 16 testicles, that shit is wrong!! Stop I beg you, stop pissing off the people that worship and adore our little comic book pals. Who do you think is your core audience? Who do you think is going to rip your shitty movie to shreds? We the geek police do solemnly swear to call your shitty movie with no underwear and crappy plot development, what it is –shit-! Oh and can ya please put some underwear on this guy?
                               Remember, not this!

                    Definitely this, with no penis to face!

I freely admit to my unyielding nature, I make no pretense that you should rely on canonical materials as the only source upon which any movie, cartoon, or future comic should be made. I despise your freewheeling (lack of) use of that which made these characters marketable, and ignoring the call by those who are the ones keeping said characters alive and well on comic book pages. To quote Mr. Python and friends “I fart in your general direction!!”
So remember kids, Superman without the proper contrasting underwear is basically a Pinko Commie, or an Englishman, which is ya know pretty much the same thing!! Until next time, keep 'em bagged and boarded!



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